The Cliff Edge called …FOMO…

Of round pegs in square holes or is it square pegs in round holes?

The need to be chosen by a mate, a company, a school, a friend, a neighbour. The need to fit into the neighbourhood, the club, the clique. The need to be with it! Whatever it is, at that particular moment, forget that if we asked for an explanation we would get a story with more holes than a fishermans’ net. Is it a need, a want, an expectation ….

We take jobs that on paper are a perfect fit, but the hours, the company culture, the boss is a different story. Our gut tells us no, but we need a bigger house, a better car, a holiday we can post on the various social media channels, the list is endless. And so, when we are unhappy on the ride to work, while scanning job adverts we tell ourselves “at least I have a job that pays for the stress and offers medical cover in case the stress gets worse.”

We date people that at best would be our good friends and at worst the enemy. But the clock is ticking or is it that the entire posse from uni is settling down and you will be caught dead alone? On the first date we know “this is going nowhere’ but why not just see that maybe the instincts are wrong, maybe you are overthinking it ….. When you said you wanted to settle down with someone who shared similar interests you did not mean similar but something close to it and of course they will change!

We would tell our friends that they were making a mistake but how do we ask them to check their specks while we have logs obstructing our view? How would you start the conversation with a womanising friend who gets home at 3am when you both leave the bar at the same time?  And when their marriage falls apart or when they cannot remember their children’s age, why not blame his wife for not keeping him informed?  Would you give your single friend financial advice when she knows you have to shred receipts of some purchases so that your husband does not find them? What happens when she buys that car that everyone knows she cannot afford? So we take the job, date the man and take the trip. And die a thousand little deaths everyday as we avoid real conversations.

Who taught us it was ok to become a forced fit?

When the job ends, when the rent is in arrears, when the person you settled for does not choose you, when the life you live does not bring joy, when the shame and frustration creeps in, what do you tell yourself? Heartbreak? If indeed it is heartbreak, why is the emotion not seeping through? How are you able to hold onto ‘hope’ with a broken heart? Or is it that our ego gets bruised and saying that it was a mistake would chip the perfect mask? And so we fight on for things and opportunities that were never ours.

How do you know that you are the problem? What would happen if we all accepted that some opportunities were not ours? That in some cases we are butlers. That what is ours speaks to our hearts with clarity and peace. If we permitted ourselves the pleasure of only choosing what we truly wanted  and that fit us, without the fear of what we may be missing, would we not let those around do the same and in turn have more honest lives?

No need being a square peg in a round hole, there are many square pegs with your name on it.

FOMO will lead you over a cliff.

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Adulting. 

When life punches you ….HARD. 

And all you can do is keep walking because if you stop you may never start again, or so you think. Because the pain is excruciating and the world says it will stop hurting, so smile and brush it off because life happens but … 

So you swallow and walk and smile with your lips but your eyes show you are slowly dying but we do not look into people’s eyes when we ask “How are you?” So how would they know that you are not fine. And then you stop looking at your reflection in the mirror or photographs because you carry a personal secret. And beyond your eyes your body is shutting down in ways that leave medical practitioners dumb founded. You will hold on to the stress and let it eat you up and strangely enjoy the process because at least a part of you is grieving. 

Every morning will be a pep talk of why it’s important to get out of bed and perform life and success. Why the need to fight and scheme. And one day you will give up. Not really give up. You will know that you cannot fight anymore because you are exhausted and really not interested and you will wait for the final blow and when it comes you will finally understand that heart break does not happen like when we break a glass. A human heart breaks in a span of time, little pieces falling off after the initial blow and that even after some years another piece will drop off. You will be eternally scarred, every room you walk into will be filled with the presence of your limp,and you will hide it because we all do. 

But the sun does shine again. Same sun shine but different. Your experiences will have shaped your response. They will not understand why you are firm, or why you do not accept some things or why the passengers in your boat are few and why trust and loyalty are a prized currency. And you will not stop to teach them. 

You will teach yourself to trust yourself, that you are not the enemy within but an allay. That you second guess your decisions and question ‘YOU’ will be a bitter pill to swallow. You will swallow it and walk on and make friends with yourself. You will indulge in the luxury of rediscovering who you are, what you like and love and have the pleasure of being in your own company. And you will regain your voice. 

Because when life punches you … HARD, and you hear your heart break, you will only stop to breathe when you are sure your heart is healed. You will grieve for your innocence, for the days when you believed in the beauty of the human heart and when the tears dry out, because they do, you will look at your reflection in the mirror and smile. 

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Growth

I do not like taking photos much mainly because in honesty I believe the image should capture the honest you, not a cheesy smile for ‘cheese’ sake.

Then we have the fact that I am shy, which to me means letting someone stare into me and place a moment of my life on a weighing scale of visual perfection.

Sounds like 2 conflicting statements?

But I have a few favorite images, most captured by friends who I can be honest with and one that I cannot remember the photographer because I was too young 😀 .

Too young to bring out other people’s perceptions

Too young to care that I was sick on the day and that it would be ‘recommended’ to wait for a sunny day

Too young to care that I had an AWESOME scar as an accessory on my forehead

Too young, honest, open, whole and plain perfect!

Through the few years of adulthood I have looked at that image as my lighthouse, a place I needed to go back to. As only there, would the image in the mirror look back and be whole, be imperfectly perfect, happy in my own skin. A place where rather than saying I was growing up/old, I would be able to see the sum total of my years. The wisdom gained, truth shared with a whole and perfect heart. That to me defines maturity, my ability to showcase my sum total of my years and be at peace with everything that is in my story while reaching and striving for more. To fall in love with me again as wholesomely and as purely as in my childhood.

Mature? That I have finally come to and I am proud of me 🙂

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It is mutual

Got a call today and a dear friend informed me it was someone’s birthday, that we should do something for this said individual.

Not me!

This person has a habit of ‘forgetting’ promises made and dates planned. So why should I remember to treat them to something nice?

I am not being cold, I am being realistic. Why spend my time on a person who cannot spend their time on me. Isn’t friendship mutual? is it not a give and take? I have been called ‘Mother Teresa’ before, I rescue people, sort people out, go above and beyond the call of duty. After my ‘habit’ was called out I thought about it and thought about it some more. Why did I feel the need to help a co-worker out who would most likely throw me under a bus at the first sign of trouble. Why would I consistently check on a ‘friend’ who does not know if I am we’ll yet spend a shilling on an SMS to see. Why would I go half way across town for a relative who would not leave their bed to get me tea. The list can go on and on, until I saw the light. I did not need to drag people who really don’t want to be in my life and who assume my time is to slave for them.

I admit I was afraid people would not like me, that they would think I was nasty etc etc. But when it’s all said and done, ‘You basically do not like me if all you want is to take’ and giving 200% did not change nothing!

And so moving forward, bare minimum for relationships will be based on …..”is it mutual?”

That is the joy of maturing.

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End of the road?

 

I used to be a hopeless romantic, ok, not hopeless, but i believed in Cinderella, Beauty and Beast, Rapunzel …. let down your hair. The last bit is my hope and prayer to grow long enough hair to thrown down a tower. All this dreaming and i live in a maisonette! Dumb or Dumber? Those stories and the 90s music of Boyz 2 Men, Whitney Houston , Mariah Carey can make someone believe in being swept off your feet and that all relationships formed by the heart are there forever, friendships included. And that right there is a recipe for heartbreak.

Once, not long ago, i made a best friend, i was sure we would age together and would be 90 with our grandchildren heralding them of our teenage mischief but that did not happen, cue in early 20s and she discovered i was “boring”. Shock! Heartbreak and tears and then you move on. I mean sincerely people change and that was the lesson i learnt. Its not that she had changed and i had not, i actually had changed and started hanging out with the kawaida folk from high school. See, in high school i was in the popular girls clique, we were a bit of mean girls, heck that is what happens when you have a mix of hormones, talent, beauty and brains :D. But you get older and realise the other mere mortals are actually wonderful people who incidentally look just as good ….LOL. The long and short of it, the fairytale ended and reality struck and the lesson was delivered, friendships change and sometimes they don’t last.

Relevance of the story,  two of my current besties broke up.  I saw it coming, nice chugging train. Two cholerics but its the second nature that brings the difference in response, one is an overly dramatic melachonic  and the other a closet phlegmatic. So when the pot simmered, one ducked and the other charged. In summary, i have the full story while the two of them have bits and pieces that go in the tune of “i don’t know why she cannot tell me that, i will wait till the emotions cool, we have talked about this before and this time i think she does not care, etc etc” Being the unintentional referee and audience means i watched first in shock and then in amazement at how a third party (person and circumstance) unknowingly drove a wedge. Amazement because it seems in the end its the way they react that is actually the hurdle more than the issue on the table but both are blind to see it.

 

But this is not why i write today. I write because from where i stand, its either the relationship will be able to go over the bump on the road and we will be back to silly teas and coffee, lunch and dancing together or i will have to perfect the art of remembering who i told what and what name not to mention and one day i will not care but will just give an update of my life with all the names mentioned and not care that one will think i had more fun with the other than with them or that i shared a deep dark secret with the other first etc etc because most likely they will remain my friends and will have to deal with the thought of being at a gathering where i am happy to see them both and they have to figure out which emotion they have for each other.

And that is a summary of adulthood.

I am out!

 

PS.

The accompanying video is there, just because….

Listen to the harmony.

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Friendzone

A random text to a male friend that begun with ‘Ndugu’ resulted in a phone call that begun “Now I have been friend zoned?”

Uuuuuummmh???

This coming from a guy I am sure has no romantic inclinations towards me and vice verse was weird. What is it with the fear of being called a friend?

Friend zone in my opinion is that area we place folk of opposite sex who we have no romantic leaning towards or would not like to have. Basically, hanging out with them needs no effort to be liked, you can show up in your PJs with unkempt hair and if need be, stand them up for Prince Charming 🙂

There is of course another territory that I call the ‘Circle of Hope’ (COH). This space is right next to friend zone, they share a fence that is actually porous. In this space is all those friends who given a chance, if life happens, if they finally notice you, when they dump that nasty girlfriend, when God hears their cry (your cry?)……. you will hook up and ride into the sunset to live happily ever after.

I watched a friend transform before her COH, she got charming, helpful and just plain lighter. She has the man’s stats at her finger tips and i fear knows when he is thirsty before he gets thirsty. Any blind person excluding the man can see that given the opening something would happen but as most COH dwellers he is either clueless or she lives in his Friendzone. It gets worse when you have someone in Friendzone who keeps you in COH and has friends dropping hints. But is this not the adult dating life? We have the moments of love at first sight and then the reality is that scrap attraction, a lot of factors must come into play. It must look like it can work out with the other person, yes they are nice, yes you enjoy their company but no you do not want to open up another component of your heart to them. And then of course there are those you will always love and they will sit in your Friendzone because you do not want to ever lose that connection that romance more often than we would like burns.

I read a quote sometime back that basically stated “we do not need to have a relationship with all the people we fall in love with”

But I disagree to a point with this line of thought because love is a risk. Life is a risk. Heartbreaks can be brutal but if you have a chance then take it because at the end of the day ‘happily ever after’ is built by friendship.

Time to re look those friends 😉

PS

Musings from sitting in traffic in the heat.

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Man of Steel

So I went to watch Fast n Furious and right before it begun, a trailer came up.

And it was….

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=eOjtFd6HcjY&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DeOjtFd6HcjY

And I was bought, sold and handed over to it.

I counted the days to the premier but as fate would have it, I did not get a chance to watch till today.

Better late than never right.

So what do I think about

20130702-230042.jpg

I love it totally. I have not enjoyed a movie this much in a while. I loved the fact they paid homage to Christopher Reeves in an awesome shot of of Henry Cavill from the back. You get to learn of where
Kal-El/Clark Kent comes from and why he was brought to earth. Throw in superb acting by Russell Crow, Kevin Costner (did we doubt?) and Michael Shannon and you have an action packed movie with a heart.

Thing that got me is the fact ‘Superman’ came into his own at 33 and his last name El. I really don’t want to go into the whole Christianity bit but Jesus fully became savior of the world at 33 and El translates to God in Hebrew. I guess I need to research more on the creator of Superman.

That said. Hans Zimmer did a splendid job with the music soundtrack :).

So tonight I sleep blissful.

No, I will not give a blow by blow account because if you have not watched it……..you need to.

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