Hooty Tooty

Dear person in the car behind me,

The setting of this moment is in a phenomenon that involves cars, in a straight line, in three rows at a standstill, it is otherwise known as a traffic jam. I am sure given that you are an adult you have experienced this before. So why pray help me understand would you choose this moment to blare your horn. I mean where do you think you will go or pass through? People like you amaze me, did you just discover that if you firmly press a section of your steering wheel your car will blare. Do you find it exciting?

Allow me to explain what we sane people do in traffic. We have books, magazines and newspapers, that is, we read. We also listen to music, in all sorts of volume. Music soothes us, and did I mention dancing. Yes, i dance and sing along. Getting jiggly wit it! We also do stuff like chat with friends on phone, google,Facebook, twitter, play games, why do you think they are called smart phones? We of course also get time to get our makeup finalized or is it done. I mean, the reason we are all seated here at this time is because we all left home at the same time, polite way of saying we are all trying to beat the clock. Ever questioned the reason behind the mirror on the sun visor? I am sure I have opened your eyes to the various entertainment activities that can be carried out in a car.

Since, you are just seated there plotting your 100kph shoot out of this situation, you then assign yourself ‘road prefect’ , watching for when the cop will flag us on. Now allow me to mention …..while we were entertaining ourselves we had turned off the ignition so why do you start hooting the moment the first car moves? Please, we have to start the car, but before that depending on what we were doing we have to put it away, those 5 seconds will not get you into your office before the boss!

Because of you, I am currently working on wings that can be attached to cars. Nice pretty pink ones, that would be attached on the back, so that once you hoot, I would press a button and voila……fly! Get the picture?

Get your fist off the horn and you will watch the marvel of my pedicure on the accelerator!

Sincerely,

The lady driver moving at 10kph because she needs to report to work 30 minutes after you do .

You are not an ambulance!

People who drive on pavements, grass embankments, ditches and sewers (syke), what do they think? That their destination is creeping off per very second they keep to the Tarmac? You are calmly driving down a road, singing, happy then out of nowhere a shadow and behold, a car dangling precariously off the pavement trying to overtake.

“Where are you going? ”

These are the people I call some farm animal. And it gets better, you are making a turning and some dude, yes, criminals are men, comes right next to you, blocks your view and then look at you wondering why you are still there. Dude, I can’t see! So since you are a wannabe Shekar Mehta, go on! Mschew!!!!!

Then we have the people who overtake at a speed bump……..do they think the rest of us slowed down to play?

But here come my fave folk! Unrepentant sinners. Yes, you! Fresh from church and you are trying to bully your way out of the parking lot. In true Kenyan style you create another lane, start gesturing, roll down your window and insist you are in a hurry. The last man who tried to do that was kindly informed by my mother that … ” You are not an ambulance!” LOL. Yes, dude was put in his place and had to wait like rest.Praise The Lord!

But we may as well go on avoiding the Tarmac, right?

Well the guy below learnt his lesson.

PS.
The image is borrowed from .KE twitter. I have no clue who the original source is.

HOOOOOOOOLD IT!!

So finally Kenyan elections are up and I can open my thoughts, it ain’t what you think, heck.

I will write it as I think it.

So people stand up to be elected, we pick sides and yap and then we degenerate to insults. I mean its special you sit and decide that someone is beneath you because of their last name, the language they speak the supposed village they come from, I mean how dense can someone be to judge another without even thinking that the neighbor in Nairobi who cannot say their name with the proper accent might know them more than the supposed village mates they share? Let me put this out, you come after me because of my supposed ethnic background, you are coming after my parents and that makes it down right personal!

But that is not what got me super pissed. Cause unfortunately tribalism I am used to dealing with. What I don’t get is how, someone can sit and assign tags like ‘failure’ to someone who lost an electoral vote. How is that person a loser? Since when was chasing your dreams a mark of failure?Since when was not getting what you dreamt about ‘failure’. At least you went out and followed your dream. It’s funny how the people who yap the most about who did not win what and why they should pack up and leave town are the people who have nothing to say about achieving their dreams. Folk who spend time twiddling their thumbs and mouths and being happy with the breadcrumbs flying off other people’s tables.If you have ever gone after your dreams, stayed up at night praying and wondering how you will bring them to pass you will respect the person who had the guts to put their dreams in public and let the rest of us nit pic about what is what and had the grace to bow out to fight another day or another fight.

I have said my piece!

La Face

So this blog is about journeys and today we take a turn.

I love make up. In another life I might be a make up artiste or work for a beauty shop or a company that makes make up, so when a friend tell me she is handling a L’oreal launch I was going to be there.

L’oreal were launching their BB cream into the Kenyan market and this is wonderful, first because it means Kenya is starting to keep pace with the rest of the world in trends albeit slowly. What is a BB cream? Welst, blemish balm. It hides stuff,while moisturizing. And we know for most of us ladies, we have something to hide!

The Garnier BB cream variant that is in the market is the flagship one and so unfortunately for those of us with combination/oily skin, we get to shine………. I am informed our variant will arrive in 6 months. I guess if i really fall in love the next option will be, who is flying in soooon …….But I can report that the sample they kindly shared with me works in giving a nice light cover. My skin looks amazing for about 20 minutes when nature takes over and I start to shine But, depending on your shine intensity powder should do the trick. For those of you who know the trick of mixing your foundation with your moisturizer for that fresh face sans make up look (thats a paradox!) then the BB cream cuts the need to measure and mix right, making prep time is shorter and you look put together with the help of just one tube. Another cool thing is that it has sunscreen. We can argue about black don’t crack but skin protection is important.

For those who need more coverage, the BB cream is then just a tinted moisturizer or primer and you can then layer on top of it. Though I am sure it will be slightly less.

So, would I advice you try it. Super yes.

I will be writing about my next awesome skin finds soon.

PS.
The bottom pic is for the combination/oily skin variant that is not yet available in the Kenyan market. But it’s good to know what it looks like.

Tiny Me :(

As part of my bucket list I need to write more in 2013 …….

How is it that when a person with super driving experience sees a car with the bright red ‘L’ sticker for the clueless see below ……

Ok, so you see it, and you do realize that the car is parked miles away at the edge of the parking lot and you decide to squeeze your car next to it. Why? Why would you do that? Don’t you stop to think that the person actually chose that far off slot to avoid the rest of you, meaning for the slow folk, this person wants to get in and out of the car park in peace. And this means they also get to tone up because the entrance is far off

This is not a journal entry

So you park the car, skip out. Shop and return. Not only is this car next to you super close, but its huge, and you start talking to yourself.

” How are you going to reverse out of this spot?”

“Why would someone be sooooo mean? Can they not read or did they not learn what that sign meant in driving school?”

Anyway you get in, start the car, heck you can’t stuff it in your bag and carry it home! Any who, sooooo we need to get out from the mountain of metal, car creeps back inch by inch and you are sure you will hit something someone, slow but sure Mr. Tortoise , then voila you hear it……some loud sound, you hit the brakes and sure enough Mr. Monster comes to life and since you are tiny and you were creeping out like a thief, welst they don’t think you are moving. And might i add most likely don’t care, i mean what would tiny you do? Vroom Mr. Monster charges out leaving you with space to get out in any imaginable direction! Sema madharau!! Your sweaty, you have said more prayers than you thought (guess the good Lord answered) and vowed that you’re just going home and never driving out again and then this happens.

Just writing it tired me.

Let’s spin!

I have not posted in a while. I have written but story completion became a problem, but I hope to finish this.

The official cab company I am assigned to usually leaves me cringing. Why? You may ask. And I would say, “because they do not know how to drive!” By this I mean people who use the brake pedal like the accelerator. People who think the matatu route is the only route, people who change lanes ovyo ovyo, and their twins who are people who don’t know which lane is for where and so as to not upset myself today, I will end with cab drivers who know not major landmarks in the city.

But I cannot entirely blame them because if they went to the driving school that I went to then all but one of the habits was picked up as a learner.

My driving experience begun way back with my mother, this is very important info because had it not been for her I would have been the idiots you see driving around like they came from the moon an hour ago. Fast forward to a few years back and I had to take official classes to make it to the official exam. Day one of this class I get to location at 7am, the instructor is missing. Let us pause for a moment ………. Between the two of us, who should be late? Anywho, he arrives 10 minutes late and starts chattering away. I pick up a coasterian accent and sigh. Why? Because at 7am I want my peace of mind and not endless chatter. So we get into the car, and shock on him, I know how to start it and make it move! (Dear reader, remember this sentence as it bears a lot of weight)

Anywho, to Upper Hill we go. This was before everyone had moved to Upper Hill so driving students could drive and mess up in peace. Somewhere on Uhuru Highway the dude engages his mouth in full gear, “Unajua nimetoka Maddy saa hii tu! Ilikuwa ni birthday yangu jana na tulikunywa! Hata sijapata time ya kuoga, unasikia harufu ya pombe?”

( I have to stop writing to laugh)

Ok, back to story telling. Like really, the man was from the club to this car. He did not shower? Eeeeeeeeew! Sniff! Sniff! No smell, I have paid, the lesson must happen. And off we continued. It is only now that it dawns on me that I had a drunk instructor, what if something went horribly wrong?

LOL.

We get to Upperhill and the brother needs breakfast!

Ok!

Find a kibanda. And he indulges in chai, chapati and eggs. I was bought a cup of tea that was served in the enamel cup. Yesu ni bwana.

And that folks sans the lack of shower was my morning lesson . A ride to the instructors fave breakfast spot. Throw in the shouts of “endesha na kifua!” you understand why I was glad to deliver him to a place where his mouth could engage with something else.

Fast forward to exam day and we had a traffic cop examiner who had all manner of tricks up his sleeve. The exam was done in a circle and different people stationed at various points so no ‘exam’ was alike. When my groups turn arrived, the most confident chic got into the car and 3 seconds later was out as a failure. Whose next? The guy stared at me and I jumped in. Turns out the naughty guy kept the handbrake up with the engine running and let you step on the accelerator before throwing you out. But I was wise and I passed the test and off we went down the road and at some point he yelled ‘Simamisha’ and the car came to a stand still.

“Toka”. And I quickly jumped out with a smile.

Fast forward, girl has her DL and offers to park the family car. She steps on it! Car flies on and her dear brother ducks for his dear life yelling “Brake”. Let’s just say, it has a slight dent where it met the wall.

Remember the statement that bore a lot of weight?

Well, I hope you realise by now that I could move a car but did not know how to stop it! All this time the instructor and then the cop had stopped the car for me.

Life of a learner!

Terms of Engagement

As I am catching up on MKZ (facebook to the clueless one’s) I spot a movement, and as fate would have it, a cockroach! A cockroach in a matatu! I need to say this again! Kuna mende ndani ya hii matt! I can’t explain it to myself. How? Why? What? I can’t get out, you can all figure out why.

I have expectations in all my modes of travel. Be it walking, public transport, private transport or air travel. I hope you notice that I am not well versed with water transport. For today let me lay down some of my expectations for the cheaper chauffeur rides.

Cleanliness. If you own a matt this does not mean that you just pour water in the exterior and interior and rain does not count here! Is it not ridiculous how you get into a matt only to discover its dripping wet! And you are late, so you have to position your bum in half the seat that escaped the flood! And when you ask the kange, the response “Usijali madam itakauka”. Really? How do I explain a wet behind beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Music. Matt I am in changed music or is it selection from Matatu FM to riddims. I am informed if I want a sold out concert I just play riddims, now this is not my kind of music, other than in a matt I don’t listen to riddims. But I know quite a bit of this kind of music, being stuck in traffic in Nairobi leads you to appreciate Jamaica and Kenyan relationship drama. However, I would prefer if they played me some soul music minus radio host and advertisements and definately I am not interested in people’s relationship problems. You sit in a matt listen to warped advice and get very tempted to call in to give a piece of your mind! I guess I have just explained why folk call in to morning radio shows.

Road worthiness. It is so annoying to get into a matt only for it to sputter, cough and die. And have to endure the driver struggling to start the metal box with the kange being encouraged to push! Surely, this is a business you are running! And then the matts that go in for petrol, and oil check up, how about we just get the windscreen cleaned. Listen up, the reason you sit in the bus park for a while is to also fix all this stuff, I don’t need to know all that is right or wrong with your business.

I need to get to my destination early. Its not about what time I got into the matt, its about the skill of the matt driver to break all the rules, not get caught and get me there safely! Make sense to you? It does to many people. For all those who yell at overlapping matts, now you know why those of us in the matt just stare at you as you yell at the driver!

Security. I believe part of the job description of a kange and driver is provision of security to passengers. They need to be on the look out since they are more likely to spot suspicious characters before me. And when they don’t I join in the chorus of the matt being a thug den! The kange must be involved in the missing phone, wallet, et al! And putting up a sticker that would border as a terms and conditions message does not fly!

And finally for today, please mind your own business. I am not your business! Your business is the matatu. I speak for all the women who get into a matt and have to endure a kange or driver chatting you up. There is social and then there is borderline harassment please learn it! And this goes out to all the men who keep wanting to talk about the book I am reading! How would I know how it ends when I am still reading it? That is not a pick up line? That is a statement that makes me question your sanity.

Kwa hayo machache…